Relationship: In many relationships two wounded children get together

We try to accommodate conflicting ideas, needs and life views in our relationships! This can go terribly wrong.

We try to accommodate conflicting ideas and needs in our relationships! In a lot of cases this goes terribly wrong.

Relationships: In many relationships, two wounded children come together.

At one end is our need for security, roots, belonging, predictability and at the other end is our need for adventure, new, mysterious, exciting.

Every living organism struggles with this polarity, between change and stability. Every person, every relationship, every company and happy relationships are made up of two people who know how to combine these basic human needs.

Needs with which we were born, so basic needs

Think about it, we’re all born with these needs. Security, adventure, exploration, new discoveries and some of us have grown and grown up from our childhood without this sufficient security in our childhood. Others did not have enough space and independence as children.

You bring it into your relationships as an adult

If you think about how all this flows into your relationships, you will find that very often in couples one person is afraid of losing the other and the other is afraid of losing himself within the relationship! One is afraid of being rejected, the other is afraid of being suffocated. The balance between security, adventure, love and desire in a relationship is one of the biggest challenges couples face and which they must master if they want to be happy with themselves and each other in the long run.

The one and only is supposed to fix it for us…

Today, when we are looking for the person with whom we want to spend our lives, we call this person the One or the One. The one and only! Nowadays the partner has almost taken over the position of a religion. We want our partner to give us transcendence, an experience that does not correspond to the norm, we want our partner to give us meaning, the feeling of being important, ecstasy and the feeling of being whole. We want him to love us more than we love ourselves, to give us security, to be loving to us, to praise us, etc. All the things that we have longed for in our childhood, that our parents or whoever raised us should have given us but could not, because they themselves did not know better, did not learn, in their childhood.

single stock exchanges like Tinder and Co. a candy store for adults

Then we often look for this partner in Internet dating sites, where we can choose between many men and women by wiping left or right in search of the one or the other in our Swipe culture. Before the times of Tinder and Co. we had a very limited choice, today we can choose between thousands. Do you know what it means to meet this or that One who is supposed to heal you from everything that is wounded in you since childhood? All your traumas?

When I have found YOU, I will never think again that I could have had it better.

Fenomenal! But how long will we keep this up? A few weeks, months, maybe even 1-2 years?

These old feelings will always catch up with us. This emptiness within us will keep coming back until we take responsibility for ourselves and work on ourselves. Only YOU can fill this emptiness! It is not easy, I hear again and again! Yes, that is true. But it’s damn well worth it.

For you my beloved, my beloved I will delete my dating apps. It’s the new ritual of promises. And all these choices that we have to make: Is it too soon to sign off on Tinder and Company, should I, or should I wait Are we stable enough in our relationship already? We have very few guidelines and many options and that gives us a lot of uncertainty and self-doubt.

Like a child in a huge candy store, not knowing where to look first.

Take yourself, your life and your relationship into your own hands. Take responsibility, not only in your professional life, but especially in your private relationships. If you and your relationship are healthy, everything else in life is easy to master!

Think about it.

English translation: Mirjam Barner

Source: Original by Esther Parel and some experiences and thoughts from me. Esther is one of the best known and most popular relationship therapists worldwide and my great role model.

Deutsche Übersetzung: Mirjam Barner

Books: Esther Perel