SECURE

ANXCIOUS PREOCCUPIED
(Insecure)

ATTACHMENT STYLE COACHING

(understanding your subconscious mind and how to reprogram it)!

DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT
(Insecure)

FEARFUL AVOIDANT/
DISORGANIZED
(Insecure)

The attachment style theory was developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in 1991. Ainsworth is known for her “Strange Situation” experiment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTsewNrHUHU “Only with a secure attachment style can we have truly happy and fulfilling relationships!” ALL of us have an attachment style. We can have  small % of other attachment styles, but we have one main attachment style.

THE 4 ATTACHMENT STYLES

HOW THE ATTACHMENT STYLES TYPICALLY BEHAVE IN ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

Secure



"I am ok, you are ok!"

  • Emotionally available
  • Confident/assured
  • Receptive
  • Trustworthy
  • Consistant
  • Reliable
  • Talks openly about feelings
  • Expresses his/her needs
  • Respectful
  • Resilient
  • Sets clear boundaries & maintains limits.
  • Overall positive outlook
  • etc.

Anxcious-Preoccupied


"I am not ok, you are ok"

  • Emotionally too available
  • Insecure in self
  • Often does not feel valued/respected/
    seen or heard
  • Needs a lot of attention
  • Defines her/his value by partner
  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of not being enough
  • Puts partner’s feelings & needs first.
  • Puts partner on pedestal.
  • Controlling (out of insecurity)
  • Often puts on mask to please partner.
  • Needs to be in a relationship & often appears needy to others as a result.
  • In fight mode (I have to fight to be loved.
  • etc.

Dismissive -Avoidant


"I am ok, you are not OK"

  • Emotionally unavailable.
  • Feels threatend by to much closeness, because he/she associates it with hurt and rejection.
  • Inwardly insecure, appears secure on the outside.
  • Very independent
  • Needs a lot of time alone.
  • Downplays the importance of a relationship & love/intimacy.
  • Does not like physical contact.
  • Distanced
  • Objective
  • Shows no deep emotions.
  • Very ME related
    Only my needs count.
  • Negative image of others .
  • Builds wall around him/herself.
  • etc.

Fearful-Avoidant
(disorganized)


"I am not ok, you are not ok"

  • Emotionally unavailable.
  • Inwardly insecure and torn, but can appear secure on the outside.
  • Needs a lot of time/space to him/herself.
  • Hot/cold Push & pull dynamic, (rejecting & seeking closeness).
  • Great fear of rejection.
  • Thinking I`m not good enough.
  • Often feels unappreciated/
    disrespected/not seen.
  • Longs for closeness/love relationships, but at the same time is terrified of it!
  • In flight mode. Relationships are dangerous, I need to stay safe!
  • Hypervigilant
  • Traumatized
  • etc.

THE 4 ATTACHMENT STYLES

DEVELOPMENT IN EARLY CHILDHOOD/PARENTAL BEHAVIOUR

Secure


Those who have this attachment style can consider themselves really lucky and have had parents who showed up in the following way:

  • Parents were reliable & available at all times.
  • Parents responded positively and immediately to the child’s feelings and needs.
  • Parents were emotionally and physically present + available.
  • Parents were source of safety & security.
  • Parents were always interested in what was going on inside their child and were emphatic enough to find out, or already sensed, knowing.
  • Parents were reliable at all times.
  • Child could develop freely.
  • Parents were obliging.
  • Parents were balanced.
  • Parents had a positive look on life.

Anxcious-Preoccupied

People with this attachment style had parents who showed up in the following way:

  • Parents were only inconsistantly emotionally available.
  • Irregular
  • Unreliable
  • Parents usually did not take their child’s feelings seriously or into consideration.
  • Child was often shown that it was not important.
  • Child was often left to his own devices to deal with feelings.
  • Parents were overwhelmed with themselves.
  • Child was often left alone or abandoned.
  • Child often felt not beeing enough.
  • Parents only showed love to child if it did something in return.
  • Parents had mainly negative world view.

Dismissive-Avoidant


People with this  attachment style had parents who showed up in the following way:

  • Parents did not meet the childs emotional needs, so it had to develop it`s own strategies to self-soothe.
  • Parents were apathetic, dismissive, uncaring.
  • The child’s feelings were not taken seriously and showing them was punished with disregard.
  • Parents were extremely authoritarian and suppressed their own feelings.
  • Parents were considering to show feelings as a weakness.
  • Parents were rejecting.
  • Parents showed very little physical contact and closeness.
  • Parents were often angry, wrathful.
  • Parents had negative world view.

Fearful-Avoidant/
Disorganized

This attachment style  is a mixed style between the anxious-preoccupied & avoidant. Parents showed up in the following way:

  • Parents were abusive/rejecting
  • Parents reacted and behaved in a frightening, terrifying way.
  • Parents were source of danger.
  • Parents often drug addicts.
  • Parents often violent.
  • Lots of yelling and helplessness.
  • Parents ignored child.
  • Parents usually traumatized themselves.
  • Child was on his/her own.
  • Child had to experience very intense trauma.
  • Parents had negative world view.

RELATIONSHIP COACHING WITH FOCUS ON ATTACHMENT STYLES

There is almost nothing that influences our love relationships as much as our attachment style. No wonder, it is the style we were first shown in life how to deal with feelings and needs! It is our “blueprint” (programming). If you know which attachment style you have, we will find out together in the coaching, which hidden (in the subconscious) mechanisms you have, which influence you negatively in your relationship with yourself, your partner, children and then you can reprogram your subconscious step by step, with daily, small exercises and finally heal!

Finally leave your past behind and have a healthy thriving and lasting relationship with yourself, your significant other and your children. YOU CAN DO IT!

Beziehungs Coaching - Mirjam Barner